Showing posts with label do not do this. Show all posts
Showing posts with label do not do this. Show all posts

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

10 Reasons Why Kids are Mini Drunks

I was thinking about crazy things my kids have done lately and realized they're pretty comparable to the shit-faced twenty-somethings. I feel like I'm either watching a live episode of Jack-Ass or having flashbacks to my high school years. Here is a top ten list of why kids are like mini-drunks:

10. They always speak the truth. Absolutely no filter. I was pulled over for speeding one time. The officer did his normal routine and as he was walking away to go run my license, my oldest son said, "Sir..SIR, if you are going to take my Mama to jail, can you point me the way to the house?"

9. They cannot act appropriately in public.

8. They always have a coozi in tow. The baby screams for a sippy cup like a 24 hour alcoholic in rehab.

7. They talk to "people" that are not there.

6. They make these faces.
5. They can literally sleep anywhere.

4. They have no shame when it comes to keeping clothes on.

3. They can never get food in their mouths and it makes them angry.
2. They can often be found in the bathroom.

1. They always seem to find themselves in sticky situations.

I know others must feel this way. These kids are hilarious and there is never, EVER a dull moment.

What crazy things have your kids done?

Friday, July 12, 2013

Top 5 Hubby "No-No's"

The hubby can be an idiot sometimes. He thinks he is being funny when he sends a mass text message to our family and friends with a picture attached to a text stating, "This is Court when she is mad."He apparently thought it was a great idea to send it to me, too. I can take a joke. I have a sense of humor, but I don't like being compared to a demon possessed person with scratches all over her face and green, nasty shit coming from every orifice. Look here guy, I've come up with a short and simple list to keep your ass out of the dog house.

Number 1. Sending a mass text message of ANY God-awful pictures of your wife with a tacky message attached. This is not cute or funny and we do not want to know how you really feel about us. 

Number 2. If we ask you a question, we already know the answer. You may just want to answer honestly because lying about that new gun being "Just for Mama" when we both know you were just itching for a new gun. Honey, this will never work out in your favor. 

Number 3. It does not make me want to clean by myself all the time because you say, "Baby, you look so sexy scrubbing those floors." Nor, does this comment make me feel sexy. I'll tell you what's sexy, a man that helps with dishes and takes out the trash. 

 Number 4. We both have our moments with the kids, but when I say no Dr. Pepper or candy, I mean it. I would like for my children's teeth to stay in their head and would like to have a peaceful evening not a power surge at 9:00 at night. Again, this is not cute or helpful.

Number 5. Telling me you'll cook and clean the kitchen to give me the night off is really sweet and us women like that. However, when you serve me a nice dinner, which again A+,  and let me know that you cooked and I will have to clean is really false advertising and costs you valuable brownie points. This makes me want to punch you. Hard. In the face. 

It's a learning process, guys. We still love y'all and will be patient. Just remember we all like flowers, a sweet I love you and a mini vacation from the kids.

Do you have any rules for your boyfriend/fiance/husband?

ETA:I need to edit the previous post. I have found another 'no-no' for the hubby. 

Number 6. Do not drool over the gas station attendant in front of your wife. She will not find it cute that your acting like horny teenager and I'm pretty sure the attendant will not go home with you after seeing you driving a vehicle with cars seats and socks with sandals.