Pretty Wicked Moms

Have you seen this show yet? I watched it for the first time last night on LifeTime. This is like "Mean Girls" all grown up. I never knew there were real moms that acted like this. If you want to see a botox-dead face and fake group of women, this would be the ones. There is the Queen Bee, Southern Belle, Alpha Mom, Divorced Mom, Newbie Mom and the Doggie Mom.

HA! 

The Doggie Mom has to be the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I get you love your pet and they are your world, but you just can't compare an animal to a human baby. I don't care how many strollers, car seats or outfits you buy, your dog will never be a baby. Sorry, sweetheart, it's not the same. You can leave a dog in a locked kennel all day alone while you are at work. If you did that to a kid, CPS would be banging on your door and you would be fried on the 6 o'clock news.

The Queen Bee and Doggie Mom sit their skinny asses in front of the mirror and put on make-up all day long. I swear that's all they do. Last night, Doggie Mom was 'sick' and they cancelled on their Jew party for Divorced. Didn't lay in bed or take some Pepto. Just whined and put on more make-up.

The only one on this show I can kinda relate to is Alpha Mom. She is pretty down to earth. She is very health conscious, which that part doesn't relate to me at all. Although, I make sure our children eat healthy.

I'm just getting a really bad taste in my mouth about Atlanta, Georgia. Real House Wives of Atlanta is a joke. You want to show me a real housewife. Show me a mom with a messy house, kids acting crazy, a husband complaining and an average bank account. All of these shows are just grown up mean girls or Jersey Shore, without the Brooklyn accents, with money and kids. It makes me want to slap them.

Weekly Insanity 7-21-2013

This week has been insane, sad and happy all at the same time.  

I had a dear friend pass away. He lost his short battle to cancer and joined the angels Monday. He was such an amazing man. He loved my children as if they were his own and treated me like his little sister. His wife is my best friend from 6th grade. I am amazed by her strength through this entire deal. You make me proud to call you my friend. I love you, doll. 

On a brighter note, my sister-in-law married this evening to the man of her dreams. This short month of planning this amazing wedding. I know it was stressful, but the wedding and reception were beautiful. Y'all looked great.  I wish y'all the best of luck. May you be as miserable as the rest of us. 

My Fav Topics***

I think I missed the Honey Boo Boo 'Scratch and Sniff' event. Damn. I really was looking forward to smelling some body odor and a bodily function or hell, buttered spaghetti. Nasty. This is what makes Southeners look like fucking morons. This is WHY people think we're idiots and can't read or just flat out don't have class. You're a disgrace, Boo-Boo's Mother. You can't blame the child and I WILL blame the child's dumb ass mother. Shit.

Wal-Mart sucks and we all know this.  If I lived closer to Target, I would be a frequent shopper. However, I'm a lazy bitch that doesn't want to drive across town. 

Hubby No-No is a frequent read. I love the list and the add-ins I keep coming across. Like yesterday, for instance, at the rehearsal dinner. The Groom stood up to tell the story of how he and the Bride had met. He started off with I first met Bride in the 7th grade and she knew who I was, but I didn't know who she was plus I liked her friend. And he went on and on about how he NEVER noticed Bride until a couple of years. I would have beat my husband. He wouldn't have made it to the wedding. 

That's all I have tonight. It was a hectic week, but nothing I can't handle in this crazy thing called life. 

CafeMom FAIL

 I have been a member with CafeMom since the dark ages and I love the place. I love that CafeMom is a "meeting place" for such diversity. There is definitely something for every mother and we ALL understand each other because we share a common bond.  However today, I was browsing a group and a certain post  made me laugh so hard and say, "What. In. The. Actual. Fuck?"

So, this crazy bee starts complaining how she found herself on a CafeMom Fail blog and she thinks it's so weird someone would 'blog' about her. She, like an ass hat, posted something VERY private on CafeMom. Such as, she had worms and needed to go to the doctor to have it cleared up.She said she obtained the worms by walking barefoot in the grass. But what GOT me was she was also on the fail site for admitting she masturbates with a hammer. A fucking hammer. Really?

Holy SHIT. This bitch is nuts.

Not only should you be worried about the health hazards of using this object in a sensitive area, i.e. getting splinters and possible tetanus, but what would even MAKE you want to "get off" with a hammer. You have issues, doll. You have issues.

There is also some other dumb idiot on there for sexcapades with her husband in front of her "cousin" and her husband's brother on vacation. She also talks about his tool. Seriously???

Another lady took a picture of her poor husband either taking a dump or "doing his thang" and posted it on CafeMom. Who does that?

Where are the Admins of the site regulating what's going on? I'll tell you, if you try to post a simple link about something related to a work at home thing or a blog, they will shut you down quick. Hey CafeMom, where the fuck are you? You are so quick to detect possible spam, but orgy's and masturbation techniques are not on your radar.

People, this is the internet. Everything you say, every picture you post will be there FOREVER! The women at CafeMom are NOT going to keep your darkest secrets and they most certainly will make it known that you are a moron. You are posting for the world to see. You are telling people, "Hey, look at me! I'm an idiot that needs a good cunt punt." I would like to say I am in shock, but people no longer amaze me. I just don't understand the idiocy and lack of common sense.

Nonetheless, I laughed. HARD. Good job, CafeMom Fails. You. Are. Awesome!

Screw you, Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart is a soul sucking store and I'll tell you why. 

The hubby and I had a pretty good day. I got up this morning and got my oldest ready to go to my Dad's. He looked  freaking adorable in his cowboy outfit. My step-mother barrel races and they were going to watch her and oldest was going to spend the day with them. My other two are in Dallas visiting their grandmother and biological father. So, hubby, baby and I set out to accomplish some errands on this fine Saturday. We went to the 'Salvage Store' which is a small grocery store ran by a major trucking company that hubby works for as a driver. They have daily specials and super low prices plus we get a 30% discount. I love LOVE this place. I got a case of Chobani Yogurt for $6.00.  If you ever get the chance to go, DO IT. It's worth it if you have the extra discount or not. 

You usually can't find everything at the 'Salvage Store' because its a day by day basis as to what they have. We ended up at the 'Gates of Hell' aka Wal-Mart to finish up our grocery shopping. I hate this place. I'm pretty sure I would rather fall on a knife than to go to this place. But, damn you, Wal-Mart, your low prices suck my soul every time to your doors. 

We walk in, grab a basket and it begins. It was a freaking mad house. Did I miss something? Was today a holiday and I missed the memo? We start at the pharmacy for bath stuff. I was looking for a certain body wash. I couldn't find it and neither could hubby. So what do you do when you're at a store an you can't find something, you ask a clerk. That was mistake number one. 

Me: 'Excuse me, ma'am?

Her: 'Yeah?'

Me: 'I can't seem to find the body wash I'm looking for. It's Gold Bond Sensitive.' 

Her: 'It's on the body wash aisle over there.' 

Me:'Yes. I've been there and I can't seem to find it. Do y'all carry it?'

Her: 'How should I know? I work in toys.'

Me: 'Alrighty. Thanks.  You're awesome.'

That PISSED me off. Hubby told me to get another body wash or just wait and we would stop somewhere else. Screw that! I'm here now. I want to get it now if it is here. But, whatever I'll go somewhere else. 

We get through the majority of shopping trip without problem other than the overwhelming amount of people who choose to either be in pajamas at 3:00 in the afternoon or girls in shorts or shirts two sizes, too small. Hey lady, I don't want to see your back boobs or your FUPA. Cover it up. They make your size in cute clothes and I swear you will look much better and classier. 

Let me not forget about pajama girl. Hey pajama chick, put some jeans on and real shoes. I, by any means, didn't doll up for errand day. Jeans, shirt and flops with some bronzer on my face. What you wear to bed is just for that, BED. Your Tinkerbell pajamas are cute on a 5 year old. You're over 30. Get it together. Put some clothes on, tuck your boobs in and put some shoes on other than the Cookie Monster eating your feet. 

We finally get to check out and there are 27 lanes and only 4 open plus 8 self check outs. What in the actual fuck? Wal-Mart, you had at least 10 associates standing around not doing a damn thing. Some of them could've opened up a few check out lines to clear out the long lines. I would not hate this place so much if people would just get their shit together. FYI Wal-Mart, I like your prices and your selection, but when you can't get your associates to do their job, I start to lose hope. You literally suck my soul from my body the minute I walk through the door. Easy solution, I just go to another store and never come back, but my penny pinching ways get the best of me. I hate you and I really wish you (Wal-Mart) would do what you advertise. 

On a brighter note, I found some really cute clothes for the kiddos at a couple of garage sales we stopped at on our way home. The best part of my day, however, was hubby's surprise stop at Dairy Queen where I got a 'Georgia Mud Fudge' Blizzard. Delicious and I forgot about my 'fall on the knife' experience. 

Nonetheless, I enjoyed my day spent with hubby and baby. We did have fun and I love one on one time with each kiddo. 

Until we meet again, Wal-Mart, screw you, soul sucker, screw you!! 

Do you have an awful Wal-Mart experience? 

Top 5 Hubby "No-No's"

The hubby can be an idiot sometimes. He thinks he is being funny when he sends a mass text message to our family and friends with a picture attached to a text stating, "This is Court when she is mad."He apparently thought it was a great idea to send it to me, too. I can take a joke. I have a sense of humor, but I don't like being compared to a demon possessed person with scratches all over her face and green, nasty shit coming from every orifice. Look here guy, I've come up with a short and simple list to keep your ass out of the dog house.

Number 1. Sending a mass text message of ANY God-awful pictures of your wife with a tacky message attached. This is not cute or funny and we do not want to know how you really feel about us. 

Number 2. If we ask you a question, we already know the answer. You may just want to answer honestly because lying about that new gun being "Just for Mama" when we both know you were just itching for a new gun. Honey, this will never work out in your favor. 

Number 3. It does not make me want to clean by myself all the time because you say, "Baby, you look so sexy scrubbing those floors." Nor, does this comment make me feel sexy. I'll tell you what's sexy, a man that helps with dishes and takes out the trash. 

 Number 4. We both have our moments with the kids, but when I say no Dr. Pepper or candy, I mean it. I would like for my children's teeth to stay in their head and would like to have a peaceful evening not a power surge at 9:00 at night. Again, this is not cute or helpful.

Number 5. Telling me you'll cook and clean the kitchen to give me the night off is really sweet and us women like that. However, when you serve me a nice dinner, which again A+,  and let me know that you cooked and I will have to clean is really false advertising and costs you valuable brownie points. This makes me want to punch you. Hard. In the face. 

It's a learning process, guys. We still love y'all and will be patient. Just remember we all like flowers, a sweet I love you and a mini vacation from the kids.

Do you have any rules for your boyfriend/fiance/husband?

ETA:I need to edit the previous post. I have found another 'no-no' for the hubby. 

Number 6. Do not drool over the gas station attendant in front of your wife. She will not find it cute that your acting like horny teenager and I'm pretty sure the attendant will not go home with you after seeing you driving a vehicle with cars seats and socks with sandals.

Crazy Baby Names

I was browsing around on Yahoo and came across this list about Celebrity Baby Names. Why would you ever name your baby Cricket? I know your name is "Busy Phillipps", but you couldn't have come up with a better name then some annoying insect. What is it with these celebs? You have all the money in the world and you already know, depending on your status, that your baby will be followed from birth until their melt-down teenage years. Have you ever thought to give your child a name that will not become a discussion topic to their on-call therapist?

I have to say Kimye's choice was far more ridiculous than Cricket. "North West" swish that around in your mouth. It makes me wonder if the child will turn in circles every time she hears her name. "Which way is North West?", "Oh that's me, 'kay!" Beyonce and Jay-Z, which I expected nothing less from them, named their kid "Blue Ivy." Don't you think some kids on the play ground would call her "Blue Waffle"?

When I had children, I really thought of every which way my kid's name could be made fun of or if the initials would be something like "A.S.S." My kids have semi-popular names, definitely not out of the ordinary. They are also not spelled with a crazy arrangements of letters. Example, Leah-Leygha or Michael-Mykal. This drives me insane and I feel so sorry for the child AND the teacher when roll is called. It reminds me of that joke. The name was 'Le-a'. Your first thoughts on pronunciation are "Le Ah, Le A, Lee, Li A" and when the teacher calls Mom and asks, "How do you pronounce your child's name?" The mom replies,"Lee-DASH-A, the dash don't be silent, lady!!"

I really think there should be some sort of vote from the birth certificate lady at the hospital. If you name your child something stupid or with screwed up letters, YOU get vetoed and the Birth Certificate lady gets to change it.I think that's what's wrong these days. We have too many "Apple's, Blue Ivy's, Cricket's and Le-a's" in this world. I'm all for originality, but let the name make since. You can't name your kid 'Rainbow and Unicorns' or something you would name a dog like "Krypto or Kneut". One day, these kids will grow up and you  will have to release them into the real world with corporate America. I just don't think I could allow a Doctor named Krypto work on me or a Lawyer named Rainbow. It just doesn't work.


What do you think about silly names?

Domestic Godess Days are OVAH, buddy.

 I was the ultimate , wait, scratch that, a good housewife. A domestic godess, rather. The kids were taken care of, house was clean and dinner was on the table the minute he walked through the door. Chaos was kept down to the low roar setting when 'hubby' came home. However, staying home just wasn't enough. I just had to go back to work. I needed adult interaction. I needed conversation. Something other than Dora the Explorer or visiting the stupid rat at Chuck E. Cheese.  I could not bear to wipe another bottom or catch a boogie with my sleeve, anymore.

Apparently, this is where I screwed up.  

I came home today to utter chaos. Toys EVERYWHERE, blankets hung on bunk beds and chairs, the days dishes overflowing the sink, trash outside of the trash can and this awful smell. My youngest was covered in dirt so much on first glance I thought he had black eyes.  This was NOT how I left my house and children today when I went to work. 

I left the kids with 'hubby' and that was my first mistake. I just don't understand how you can't just pick up after yourself. It's really not that hard. Trash goes in the trash can. Laundry in the hamper. When you play with this toy, put it up  before you get a new one. This is obviously a really hard concept for anyone other than me. 

I work 40+ hours a week only to work twice as hard at home. I don't even have a weekend anymore. I get off work on Fridays to only rush home to pray I get everything done by Monday. I didn't raise them to be pigs and 'hubby' used to be such a neat freak, my changing outfits in the morning and leaving them on the bed was an outrageous crime. 

Now, let me tell you. I've come up with the sweetest revenge. I give up. I'm done. Throwing in the towel. No more cleaning from Mom. I'll just wear shoes constantly to avoid those damned Lego's and whatever bodily fluid that might end up on my pretty carpet. My kids can look like Mini-Hobos and do what they want. The 'hubby' can wash his own laundry and make his own meals. And I'll just sit back while my house becomes condemned and when they say 'why, Mom, why don't you clean and cook for us anymore?' (in their whiny voices) I'm sure I will have some sly remark such as 'You wanted to be pigs, so I let you all live like pigs' or 'I wanted a new house.' Or something better than all of that. I still have fire coming from my face, so my brain isn't really working this evening. But, it'll be good. It will be really good. 

**evil laughter** 

I hope you step on Lego, kid, those things hurt and MAYBE you'll THEN put the damn things away.